Students

Ortho Stice 

“The Darkness”. He is a student at E.T.A. with a legendarily dysfunctional family from Kansas and lesbianic aunts who send him food stuffs the staff won’t let him eat. His body is beautiful and athletic, but his head is like Winston Churchill—very incongruous with the rest of his body. He has a fear of weights after a traumatic experience with them, and Dolores Rusk only allows him to use the most basic of weights. Throughout his stay at E.T.A., he wakes to find his bed in many different positions around his room, something that he never quite concludes. He does such an uncanny impression of Charles Tavis that the others don’t allow him to perform it around new-comers out of fear that once they actually meet Charles they won’t be able to take him seriously. He eventually gets his forehead stuck to a window, and Brandt and Kenkle have to peel his forehead skin from his head in order to release him from the window.

 

Michael Mathew Pemulis

“Mike”. He is a scholarship student from Allston, MA and is very bad at grammar. He is friends with Hal Incandenza and Mario Incandenza, and Mario and he share a passion for film. He is phenomenal at at-net play, but is often too slow to get to the net at high level pace. He is the greatest Eschaton player at E.T.A. since Orin Incandenza. He’s always ranked lower than he should be because of his nerves on the court. He is also a drug-dealer at E.T.A., and sells clean urine to the students with Trevor Axford (See Below) so that they pass the urine tests.

 

John Wayne

“John No Relation Wayne”. He is one of the best tennis players at E.T.A. He is machine-like and robotic, as if he has the ability to turn on and off his brain during matches. That ability is what makes him such a threat, both on and off the court. It is eventually discovered that he and Avril Incandenza have been having an affair.

 

Trevor Axford

“The Axhandle”. He is a student at E.T.A. from Short Beach, Connecticut. He is a red-head whose right hand is missing some fingers from a fireworks accident and whose skin burns and peels no matter the SPF. He is under family pressure to attend Yale though he’s a mediocre student. As a child, Axford suffers a fall from a bike that gives him a tiny lesion-type brain injury that makes all food everywhere taste horrible to him. During E.T.A. pee tests, Axford and Michael Pemulis (See Above) sell clean pee to the other students. Axford and Jim Troeltsch (See Below) eventually switch room assignments.

 

Jim Troeltsch

He is a student at E.T.A. He is not the greatest of tennis players, and instead channels his time and energy into broadcasting tennis matches. His dream is to become a professional tennis broadcaster, and he is often seen with a balled up fist to his mouth announcing matches around E.T.A.

 

Ted Schacht

He is a senior at E.T.A. His tennis game is pleasant and relaxed because he has Chron’s disease and hurt his knee when he was 16. Winning is no longer a must, but rather a welcome surprise. His true passion is in dentistry.

 

Keith Freer

“The Viking”. He is a student at E.T.A. from Maryland. His family struck it rich when their Amway business took off in BS ‘90s with his late father’s invention of the Phoneless Cord. Freer, who is attractive, believes that ETA isn’t that sexual of a place, and that most of the girls there are just lesbians who don’t know it yet. Freer pokes fun at Todd Possalthwaite (See Below) when he notices him crying over a canceled trip to Disney Land, and he tells Possalthwaite that he doesn’t understand real problems.

 

Idris Arslanian

He is a fourteen year old ethnically vague student at E.T.A. Coach Thorp uses Idris as a guinea pig for his experimentation with sound and sight during tennis matches, and makes Idris wear a blindfold in order to increase his sense of sound while eliminating his sense of sight. Coach Thorp believes that hearing where the ball goes rather than seeing where it goes is more important in anticipating gameplay.

 

Todd Possalthwaite

“Postal-Weight”. He is a fat thirteen year old student at E.T.A., who has been voted the Most Valuable Lobber for the past two years at the academy. During Eschaton, he is AMNAT’s launcher and he suffers a broken nose during the Global Crisis. In the locker room, he is found crying because his father promised him a trip to Disney Land and then revoked the promise, and Keith Freer (See Above) makes fun of him and tells him that he doesn’t understand real problems. After this ordeal, Todd finds it hard to trust in things again, though Michael Pemulis (See Above) reminds him that math and science are always true.

 

LaMont Chu

He is a student at E.T.A. and a member of the Tunnel Club. He discusses the plateaus of tennis mastery, and how there are three types of players: Despairing (does his best when he advances quickly; quits if he doesn’t advance quickly), Obsessive (overworks himself to avoid plateauing and then ultimately hurts himself), and Complacent (someone who has reached a plateau and is content with staying there, and then bases his game around the plateau instead of working to further improve himself). LaMont Chu also converses with Lyle, and he confesses how much he wants fame, but is afraid of taking risks and hurting his future success. He thinks his lust for fame is actually making him lose. Lyle tells Chu that people in magazines feel enjoyment only the first time they are photographed and deemed famous; after that, they feel trapped and violated. They, somehow, wish to become normal again. That fame is not an escape from the cage.

 

U.S.S. Millicent Kent

She is a sixteen year old student at E.T.A. from Montclair, New Jersey. She is the #1 Singles plater on the Girls 16’s-A squad. Her true passion is dancing, but tennis gives her tuition, scholarships, and the ability to leave her fatherMario Incandenza‘s first ever “sexual” encounter is with Kent.

 

Ann Kittenplan

She is a suspiciously muscular twelve-and-a-half year old student at E.T.A. who is heavily involved with the Eschaton fiasco and is team SOVWAR’s launcher during the game.

 

Evan Ingersoll

He is an eleven year old student at E.T.A. He participates in Eschaton on team LIBSYR, and during a pause in the game he hits Ann Kittenplan (See Above) with a 5-megaton thermonuclear weapon (a tennis ball), claiming that he’s wiped out the entirety of AMNAT with his hit and ensuing a Global Crisis within the game.

 

Kent Blott 

He is a ten year old student at E.T.A. He is not technically a member of the Tunnel Club at the academy (due to his age), but the other members allow him to peruse the underground tunnels of ETA since he claims to have seen a few feral hamsters in the tunnels. He has also had a few conversations with Lyle about pornography and masturbation, and how he isn’t quite old enough to do it yet but wants to start worrying about it soon so he can get a head start.

 

Otis P. Lord

He is a student at E.T.A. who keeps track of the point system during Eschaton. During the game, the monitor with the points ends up smashing into his head, and he winds up in the hospital.

 

Anton Doucette

“The Boogeyman”, “Booger”. He is a student at ETA. He talks to Lyle about the mole on his upper upper lip that makes it look like he has a booger. He discusses how his anxiety is increasing as he passes through puberty, and he feels frozen on it, unable to move on to more advanced anxieties.

 

Tina Echt

She is a seven year old student at E.T.A. from Pawtucket, Rhode Island. She is the youngest student at E.T.A. During her admissions process with Charles Tavis, he manages to make her cry by telling her that he is going to crack open her head (not literally, of course, though she doesn’t understand the metaphor), and he offers to soothe her sobs by allowing her to sit on his lap.

 

Petropolis Kahn

“Wooly Mammoth”. He is one of the hairiest students at E.T.A. who always seems to be unconditioned regardless of how much they condition. His roommate is Graham Radar (See Below).

 

Jim Struck

He is a student at E.T.A. He is often involved with Hal Incandenza‘s and Michael Pemulis’s (See Above) schemes and dilemmas.

 

Jeffrey Joseph Penn

“J.J.”. He is a student at E.T.A. who participates in Eschaton on team INDPAK. During the Global Crisis of Eschaton, he suffers a broken leg. He is Evan Ingersoll’s (See Above) roommate.

 

Bridget C. Boone

She is a student at E.T.A. Hal Incandenza‘s first ever marijuana experience happens with Boone. She seems to understand the layers and complexities of James Incandenza’s film Blood Sister, and points out the symbolisms and parallels whilst watching it with Hal.

 

Kyle Dempsy Coyle

He is a student at E.T.A. from Arizona. He claims his thin blood isn’t used to cold air. He is roommates with Ortho Stice (See Above).

 

Dymphna

He is a blind tennis playing student at E.T.A.

 

Paul Shaw

“Tall Paul Shaw”. He is a student at E.T.A.

 

Frances L. Unwin

“Frannie”. She is a student at E.T.A.

 

Bernadette Longley

She is a student at E.T.A., and the doubles partner of Diane Prins (See Below)

 

Diane Prins

She is a student at E.T.A., and the doubles partner of Bernadette Longley (See Above).

 

Peter Beak 

He is a twelve year old student at E.T.A. He says “Not me, sir” several times to Gerhardt Schtitt asking him if he phones home from the academy weeping.

 

Zoltan Csikzentmihalyi

He is a sixteen year old student at E.T.A. who speaks very little English.

 

Spodek

He is a student at E.T.A.

 

Yardley

He is a student at E.T.A.

 

Jennie Bash

She is a student at E.T.A.

 

Tim Peterson

“Sleepy TP”, “Timmy”. He is a student at E.T.A. and a member of the Tunnel Club. During Eschaton, he is on team SOVWAR.

 

Kieran McKenna

He is a student at E.T.A., and a member of the Tunnel Club.

 

Brian van Vleck

He is a student at E.T.A. who breaks wind during one of Gerhardt Schtitt’s rants.

 

Audern Tallat-Kelpsa

He is a student at E.T.A., and a member of the Tunnel Club.

 

Josh Gopnik

He is a student at E.T.A., and a member of the Tunnel Club.

 

Carl Whale

He is a student at E.T.A., and a member of the Tunnel Club. He is roommates with Peter Beak (See Above).

 

Philip Traub

He is a student at E.T.A., and a member of the Tunnel Club.

 

Stephan Wagenknecht

He is a student at E.T.A.

 

Graham Radar

“Yard-Guard”. He is a sixteen year old student at E.T.A. He is asked a question during Gerhardt Schtitt’s morning rant about interior worlds and exterior worlds, and he is roommates with Petropolis Kahn (See Above).

 

Eliot Kornspar

He is a steroidic fifteen year old student at E.T.A. who is cretinous and cruel and is suspected of burning two cats.

 

The Vaught Twins: Caryn and Sharyn Vaught

They are Siames twin seventeen year old students at E.T.A. who are unbeatable in doubles tennis matches. They are O.N.A.N.’s top junior women’s doubles team.

 

Cisne

He is a student at E.T.A. who pukes before matches.

 

Hugh Pemberton

He is a student at E.T.A. whom Hal Incandenza once hits in the eye with a tennis ball.

 

Gloeckner

He is a C-ranked student at E.T.A.

 

Duncan van Slack 

He is a C-ranked student at E.T.A.

 

Stockhausen

He is a new student at E.T.A.

 

Karachi

He is a student at E.T.A. who participates in Eschaton on team INDPAK.

 

Abu Kemal

He is a student at E.T.A. who participates in Eschaton.

 

Es Suweida

He is a student at E.T.A. who participates in Eschaton.

 

Carol Spodek

She is a student at E.T.A.

 

Jeff Wax

He is a student at E.T.A. who struggles with the Side-to-Sides warm-up drill.

 

Sweeny 

He is a student at E.T.A. who gets asked a question during Gerhardt Schtitt’s rant but does not answer.

 

Felicity Zweig

She is a student at E.T.A. who is in a photo with Jim Troelstch (See Above) in Charles Tavis’s waiting room.

 

Amy Wingo

She is a student at E.T.A. who is in a photo in Charles Tavis’s waiting room.

 

Heath Pearson

He is a student at E.T.A. who is in a photo in Charles Tavis’s waiting room.

 

Vandervoort

He is a student at E.T.A. who is in a photo in Charles Tavis’s waiting room.

 

Mackey

He is a student at E.T.A. who is in a photo in Charles Tavis’s waiting room.

 

Lori Clow

She is a student at E.T.A. who is in a photo playing micro-tennis with Keith Freer (See Above) in Charles Tavis’s waiting room.

 

Gretchen Holt

She is a student at E.T.A. who is in a photo in Charles Tavis’s waiting room.

 

Erica Siress

She is a student at E.T.A. who is in the “diddle” meeting with Avril Incandenza, where Avril teaches the female students about appropriate adult touching of minors.

 

Jolene Criess

She is a student at E,T.A. who is in the “diddle” meeting with Avril Incandenza, where Avril teaches the female students about appropriate adult touching of minors.

 

Bernard Makulic

He is a little 14-C student at E.T.A. who pukes during one of the dinners which causes people to steer away from him.

 

Virgilio

He is a student at E.T.A. He is the roommate of Peter Beak (See Above).

 

Guglielmo Redondo

He is a student at E.T.A. He is the roommate of Esteban Reynes (See Below).

 

Esteban Reynes

He is a student at E.T.A. He is the roommate of Guglielmo Redondo (See Above).

 

Polep

He is a student at E.T.A.

 

 

Image Source: http://s877.photobucket.com/user/JerryLundegaard/media/eta.png.html

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